


Not the Average pancake

by Spider_Dork



Series: Tiny bits [1]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Asexual Peter, M/M, Other, Wade being a goof
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-07
Updated: 2016-09-18
Packaged: 2018-07-29 21:37:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7700626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spider_Dork/pseuds/Spider_Dork
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I needed to write this down quick and this is the only thing I got in my phone so too bad YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE SUBJECTED TO HORRIBLE UNEDITED WEIRDNESS</p>
<p>Wade finds out that Peter is asexual</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. a thing

**Author's Note:**

> This is from my phone so the quality WILL be shit
> 
> Thank you
> 
>  
> 
> I might make this a thing

Wade wallked over to his boyfriend on the couch and plopped down onto his lap, effectively annoying the book worm who was trying to study.

"Wade, I'm trying to study, what do you need?" Peter asked, irritation clear in his voice.

Wade shuffled around until he was straddling the other's hips. "Hey Petey? I've got a question." The nervous and self doubt in his tone made the younger set down his book and look at boyfriend with a seriousness they rarely delve into.

"Wade, you can ask me anything, ok?"

Wade sighed and fidgeted with his collar, clearly self conscious without his mask but Peter said her liked his face so- Wade made an effort to look Peter in the eye and the love and concern found there emboldened the older.

"SOOOO Peter I was wondering cause I was thinking -cause I do that you know- and I was thinking how your webs could be used for so many creative things like building stuff, or in the bedroom, or making bandages, or in the bedroom, or making clothes, or in the bedroom-"

Peter groaned. "Wade where is this going?"

The Older sucked in a breath and cleared his throat before continuing. "We've been dating for a few months now -well three months, 17 days, 14 hours, and 27 minutes, don't ask- and we've never- uh- you know?"

The younger looked confused and shook his head. "No Wade, I'm running on fumes here, you need to be specific."

Wade frowned and stared down at Peter's pants and the latter could feel the hesitation and self consciousness in the air.  
"Why-" The Older finally spoke. "Why do we never, um-" He finished the thought by grinding down on the younger's hips.

Peter's face turned bright red and he looked, well guilty more than anything.

"Not- not that we have to!" The Older sputtered. " I just thought we might- you know- but it's cool if you don't! I mean not everyone can deal with the skin right? Haha" the laugh was hollow and soaked in pain.

"Oh Wade-"

"NO! I get it! I'm ugly as Fuck, hah! Why did I even ask..." The Older slid of the couch and was surprised by a hand grabbing his arm. He looked to Peter who's eyes were filled with guilt and pain, something his baby boy should never feel again.

"Wade NO- its not you- or your skin. It's me."

The mercenary cracked a smile and hollow though it may be cracked a joke too. "Oh you're not gonna dump me with some cheesy sitcom line are ya'? Cause I really don't have enough ice cream for that ordeal."

Peter smiled sadly and pulled wade down to sit next to him. "No Wade, I'm not breaking up with you but there's a reason why we haven't had sex-"  
"The scars?" Wade interrupted and got a glare that could melt flesh off the bone. "Not the scars" he grumbled.


	2. part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Asexual stuffs with funs and fluffs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM DELIRIOUS DON'T MIND ME
> 
> {Help me, she's supposed to be the sane one}
> 
> COFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
> 
> {Do I mention now that we physically cannot process sugar in vast quantities acc anything more than a spoonful of sugar gets us high?}
> 
> I HAD TWO CUPS OF COFFEE WITH HEAVY CREAM, CHOCOLATE CREAM, AND TWO DIFFERENT TYPES OF SUGAR
> 
> {Remember that time we chugged two mountain dews and the caffeine and sugar made us drunk?}
> 
> MANY FUNS

Wade looked like a kicked puppy, oh the sadness.

Peter smiled reassuringly and tried not to think what would happen if the older didn't like asexuals or something.

Over thinking is Peter's specialty 

"Wade I don't like sex."

Yup, good job Parker, go chug coffee or something, you could have been more blatant 

Wade cocked his head to the side, thinking.

"Like I'm asexual, not disgusted by sex, but it's just not that good?"

Wow, ok no more studying for you, you need more sleep, wait I think that could be a little more insulting.

"Oh ok." The Older said, bobbing his head. "You could have just said that."

Peter stared dumbly at his boyfriend. Not how he thought that'd go. "Uh you're ok with that? Like no sex ever?" 

The Merc smiled at the younger. "Yeah baby boy, I mean I have some questions like are we just platonic partners or romantic partners or like what's happening and-"

"Whoa! Wade I've had like 3 hours of sleep can you slow the words down?" The younger said rubbing his eyes. "And I'm fine with sex actually I just get easily bored and it doesn't feel like the best fucking experience of my life." He added leaning on his boyfriend.

"So occasional fuckings? Kinda grey ace?" Or do you ever get turned on? I don't want you to do anything you don't want to and even though-" wade started, being shushed by a finger over his mouth.

"Dude 3 hours, words are a thing that's hard, don't comment on that... but no I'm not physically attracted to anybody but I can still preform if you want, also we're not platonic, like that cannot happen between us, and romance is wonderful, I'm not aro, biromantic, anything else?" The younger tiredly lists off.

The Older shakes his head and hugs his boyfriend maybe a bit too hard.

"Wade, oxygen is a thing that exists, please let me breathe" gasping when he's released the young man jumps off the couch and walks into the bedroom leaving a rather sad looking Deadpool on the couch.

"I'm going to bed, we can question my sexuality later, night."

"Baby boy it's like 3:30 in the afternoon"

"I'm tired, bye."

The door shut loudly and that was it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is how I painted his asexuality... 
> 
> Sorry if it's weird but it's based on my flavor of asexuality
> 
> And if he was repulsed by sex this entire relationship wouldn't work...
> 
>  
> 
> Yup...
> 
> Any other asexuals have this "I'm not attracted to anybody but hey sex is kinda fun on a rainy day" mentality?
> 
> Is that just me?
> 
> {You're sane now}
> 
> It takes 30 minutes to you're that out on my phone, sugars out of my system
> 
> {I'm not bothering}


	3. Tired peter is tired

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know those naps where you wake up and don't know what decade it is? 
> 
> Peter wakes up from one of those.
> 
> and he's even more tired than before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is just going to becaome a "WRITER ACCIDENTALY CREATED A THING

Peter crawled out of bed. Ugh the tired! It attacks! Roooar!

Inner narration is a hard thing to thing… Yes Parker, very english many sentence.

He shuffled into the kitchen, not at all surprised that there was coffee and a red clad mercenary on his couch. He’s getting too familiar isn’t he? No wait what year is this? 

How long was that sleep?

He needs to use the sleep again.

Peter poured himself a cup of coffee and tried to drink it black, hissing when he burnt his tongue.

“THE COFFEE ZAMBIE!!!” Wade wailed at the top of his lungs and rushed into the kitchen, armed with a chair and an apron. Huh. 

“Oh its just you Petey baby!”

The younger just blinked and groaned, trying his coffee again. Yep, still scalding.

“Hey you little masochist! Wrong fanfiction! Stop and let it cool down!” Wade was worrying again… Huh. Well he’ll have to pry this coffee from Peter’s cold dead hands!

The mug’s already out of his hands.

Tired Peter is tired.

“Wow, I thought the nap was supposed to make you more awake? Not catatonic.”

“HISSssss”

The older did a double take. “DAYUM spider-hiss!!! he’s going savage! Get a muzzle! I’m first! NOOOoooOOo!” So dramatic.

Peter just glared at him and weakly tried to rescue his coffee from the flailing arms. It was not very effective.

Wade dropped some ice cubes into the coffee and dug a bag out of the microwave. “I got some tacos ‘cause DUH, actually did you know that I’m not all that head-over-heels for mexican food or chimichangas? I mean its AMBROSIA but like, I dont actually like eating chimichangas every meal, I just like saying the word ‘chimichanga’ Chi-meee-changaaah! And all those foods have cool names and its like the first thing that pops into my head when-”

And Peter wasn’t listening… He was drinking straight out of the coffee pot, burnt tongue be Damned!  
Yes with a capital ‘D’.

The zombiefied youth stole the bag of food and exited the kitchen. Or tried, he tripped over a forgotten chair. Oh right, His night in dirty apron ran in on the defensive when he got himself coffee.   
Eh, whatever man, He flopped down on the couch and grabbed the remote, flipping through channels, still drinking out of the pot.

Wade just stood in the kitchen staring at this creature who called itself his boyfriend. “Are you sure I’m the crazy one? Like, seriously! I’m here in my full suit with weapons strapped on and everything and an apron over that and you’re just…. You?”

Peter snorted and looked at his Boyfriend. “Yeah you’re the crazy one, Besides I thought that was why you loved me?”

Wade crossed the room in bounds. “Oh you little teaser you!” He jumped and landed next to the younger with a bounce. “SOOOOOooooooo?”

“soooooooooooo?” Peter blinked. Taking another sip from the pot.

“Are we gonna talk about it?”

The younger looked horrified, whispering “What have I forgotten?”

“OHH! Whoops! No nothing important! Just you know.. sexuality?” Wade stumbled over his words, getting self conscious again.

“OH! don’t freak me out Wade!” Peter sighed, leaning against the older. “What’s up? What do you want to know?”

Wade pressed his masked lips to the younger’s forehead and smiled. “Liiiike what’s your boundaries and what do you like if you like anything or we could go more PG whatever the fuck the age is and just ask questions like “What does it feel like to not look at a great piece of ass and go ‘DAAAYUUUUM’?”

Peter laughed and slapped the other’s leg. “Boundaries later, I still need to wake up, Although I can always appreciate a good ass, its not quite ‘DAAAYUUUUM’ its more like ‘WEELL gee golly gosh! Would ya’ have a look at that there keister!’” 

The mercenary was bustin’ up laughing. Finally settling down when the younger waved a taco infront of his face.

“You adorkable idiot”

“That’s just part of my charm.”


	4. progression

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things might heat up?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M ASEXUAL I JUST REALISED I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO WRITE SMUT
> 
> FUCK
> 
> can someone who feels physical attraction or stuff help me with this?
> 
> UUUUGH
> 
> {So dramatic}

A bag of cheap tacos later...

"THOSE ARE OBVIOUSLY FAKE!"

"What do you know? They could be real!" 

Wade looked at the younger, quite appalled. "They aren't real! They bounce to much!"

"We're no longer talking about the special effects are we?" Peter sighed.

"Yeah, what else would we be talking about! His fur bounces too much!"

Ah, of course. Peter just sighed again and leaned on his boyfriend, who moved back and Peter landed with his head in the olders lap.

Whatever man.

Wade went rigid.

[HE'S TOO CLOSE TO-]

{Shaddup! We know!}

Dammit, this is a nice little thing, damn his pretty eyes, and pretty mouth...

WELP he's off the plank, off the deep end? seriously writer lady needs better material.

Peter noticed the rigidity and knew what it was about. "If you're thinking about fucking me just say so."

If Wade could blush under his scars he would be. the dirty minded merc is blushing.

[Alert the media! he's blushing! a kid made him blush!]

"Yeah well, i don't want to do anything you don't like or want, I don't know if I'm being too forward, or I don't know! Writer lady doesn't know if I've ever come into contact with an asexual, so for the purpose of this thing? i haven't." Wade sputtered, wishing he hadn't taken his mask off to eat.

"I only understood half of that. But seriously dude, don't worry about consent, If you ask 'Hey can I fuck the everloving shit out of you?' and i say yes? that's consent. you're good." 

The older looked down at his boyfriend, who was still watching the tv. "But I want it to be good for you... " 

Peter sighed and sat up. "Listening to music with new headphones feels better than sex, any sex. believe me, I've tried. You want it good for me? thank you! that's so sweet, but I literally don't care whether or not i get off." 

"But-" The older started, and got lightly smacked in the face. 

"No. no buts, do you want sex or not?" Peter looked stern and controlling 

[If that doesn't go straight down south I don't know what does.]

{We're not gonna get any if the big guy doesn't snap out of it right now.}

"This is a very different side of you baby boy." Wade said, ignoring the boxes and rubbing his cheek. The younger slouched. "Sorry, you just get really annoying caring for me above yourself."

"well you are-" 

"DON'T SAY IT" The younger got up and cleaned up the food wrappers and replaced the coffee pot where it belongs. 

"Hey is it a crime to want the best for my cutie-patootie boyfriend?" Wade called, rising off the couch and following after the younger.

"No," He sighed, "But it should be one for repeating the same questions over and over."

"Well good thing it's not" Wade hummed, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend's waist and pulling them against each other. He kissed the younger's forehead and set his chin ontop of his head. "I just don't want to screw up"

Peter turned and hugged the older, burrowing his face into the larger man's neck. "You won't, I love you and you're always so good to me and always makes sure I have what I need. Its perfect and wonderful."

Wade Hummed and held the other tighter. "Thanks, but all fluff aside... Now can i pound the everloving fuck out of you?" The younger laughed and turned his head to kiss the older's chin. "Yes but i think I said 'fuck the everloving shit'."

"Close enough." The older grunted and lifted the boy onto the kitchen counted, humming happily when slender legs found their way around his waist. "Once again are you ok with-" 

"You ask if I'm ok with this again and we're never sleeping in the same bed again."

Wade laughed and kissed the boy's nose, "Then i won't do that." And kissed the boy on the lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I DON't KnoW WHaT i'M DoInG
> 
> {Stop freaking out, its fine... you just suck.}
> 
> Thanks Bill.
> 
> {That my name?}
> 
> It is if you want it.
> 
> {Sure!}
> 
> no you're Sam
> 
> {I dont...}
> 
> SHhhh


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should I add the sex scenes? Like they're gonna be derpy or from Peter's perspective cause I don't know what y'all go through but sex is boring for this potato

Peter lay in bed snuggled up against his boyfriend.

"Was that good?" Wade asks once again.

"Yes Wade, yes it was."

"Are you sure"

"Fuck your questions I'm exhausted,"

The younger buried his face in the other man's chest and sighed. Wade just held him, this boy in his arms is beautiful, and perfect, and completely his.

This is happiness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think Imma temporarily end it there.
> 
> YUP
> 
> CAUSE WRITERS BLOCK I CAN'T THINK OF WHAT HAPPENS NEXT
> 
> {Caps are a bad idea}
> 
> Shut up Bill
> 
> {I thought I was Sam}
> 
> No


	6. Why not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I free wrote shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Top of t'e mornin' to ye laddies, my name'S the worst writer in t'e world and I'm gonna fook shite up!
> 
>  
> 
> Enjoy

Peter opened his eyes and blinked a bit, comforted by the rough arms around him he was tempted to fall back asleep.

Until he realized that they were both naked and somebody's morning wood was poking somewhere private.

He groaned and tried to gently move out off his boyfriend's hold but Wade decided to hold him tighter and closer and now Peter its uncomfortable.

The younger gently shook the older awake and smiled at the bleary eyed look he got.

"Mornin' beautiful." The rough voice rumbled, the large man already falling back asleep.

"Morning handsome, mind if I got up?" Peter asked attempting to pull away.

"Yes" the larger man grumbled, holding Peter tighter to him and nuzzling his face into the younger's shoulder.

"Babe, you're poking me with a phallic object and its awkward." Maybe he didn't know?

Wade chuckled and rocked his hips forward with a mumbled "good"

Oh he knew.

"Dude, i don't know what to do with it, just let me get up or deal with it-" the younger couldn't even finish the sentence before he was turned and pressed into the bed, the larger man above him, faces barely and inch apart. The older's deep voice rumbled a seductive "And what kind of 'deal with it' did you have in mind, sugar plum?"

Peter blushed and sleepily kissed the man pinning him down, who withdrew with a worried look on his face.

"You sure you're ok with thi-"

"I swear to god if you finish that question I'm never having sex with you again, if I don't like something, I'll tell you."

"Good... now sexy times?"

"Yes, Wade, now sexy times."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should I continue and add smut? Should that be a thing?   
> That I do?
> 
> Because reasons?

**Author's Note:**

> THANK YOU FOR READING
> 
> Assaults readers with excessive caps is not my best idea but no-one is reading this are they
> 
> {One person has}
> 
> Well hi anyone who is reading this!


End file.
